


Drabs & Dribs - Season 1

by MariaPriest



Series: Drabs and Dribs [1]
Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (TV)
Genre: Episode Related, Episode Tag, Gen, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-06-24 00:49:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 4,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15618768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MariaPriest/pseuds/MariaPriest
Summary: Napoleon is curious why Illya is wearing a very nice suit.





	1. Solo (pilot and full version of The Vulcan Affair)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Napoleon is curious why Illya is wearing a very nice suit.

“So, Illya, nice suit. Who is she?”

“'Who is she'?”

“You must be headed out for a date because your usual off-work attire is a turtleneck and jeans in basic black.”

“You assume incorrectly. There is a lecture tonight at Hudson University.”

“Wearing something that classy to a lecture will taint it for any other occasion.”

“Blockheadedness is not very appealing, my friend. Your suits never seem to survive one assignment.”

“Too often true, Illya. What's the topic?”

“The future of quantum computing.”

“Sounds boring.”

“On the contrary, Napoleon. It is quite fascinating. I should know; I'm giving the talk.”

_Bonus Drabble!_

“I don't understand why you want me to do this, Napoleon.”

“It's a pleasurable experience. Quite relaxing, actually.”

“It is unnecessary, decadent, and wasteful of time and money. Not to mention dangerous.”

“ _Dangerous?_ ”

“Of course! Those … implements easily become weapons. We've used less ourselves.”

“I promise they'll only be used for their intended purposes. You know, just come in and see what it's all about, if that doesn't offend your communist sensibilities.”

“Socialist.”

“Same difference. But let's not argue that point now. And you and I will be the only men. So?”

“Only you can give new meaning to _man_ icure.”


	2. The Iowa-Scuba Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why was Illya not a part of this mission?

“I do not understand, Napoleon. I have been cleared by your CIA, FBI, even the ... _Dog Catchers_ Union. My security level is equivalent to yours. Why does the United States Air Force not trust those decisions _and_ Mr. Waverly's judgment?”

“I wish I had the answer, partner. At least you won't miss the party Section II is throwing in recognition of your well-deserved promotion.”

“That is most generous, but what good is it if I am prevented from doing my job?”

“If that becomes an issue, there are career opportunities for dog catchers, my Russian pussycat.”

Illya's inner jaguar snarled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In both _Solo_ and _The Vulcan Affair_ , Illya's badge number is 17. It was this episode where he first wears 2 - hence my idea that he got a promotion.


	3. The Quadripartite Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two entries for this episode that address why Illya seems distant in the conference with Waverly, Napoleon, and Marion and what Illya said to Horth on first speaking to him.

_Drabble 1: In the conference room after Marian's rescue_

Illya had lied earlier to Napoleon, Waverly, and the doctor. The slowly dissipating fear gas continued to send tendrils of alarm throughout his brain, promising to throw him into that horrific state again.

He took some comfort on hearing Marion admit to still feeling a little frightened hours after they were dosed with the gas. At least he wasn't the only one suffering from residual terror.

He felt Napoleon's doubting eyes on him, knew his partner recognized his attempt to hide the compulsion to shriek in panic and escape from Waverly's office to seek asylum in some dark, safe closet. 

_Bonus Dribble!_

_Dribble 2: On the trek to the hidden fortress_

“What exactly did you say to Horth earlier?”

“I told him my tribe's name and assured him we were, well, family. Of sorts.”

“Not a good idea to lie to the man, Illya.”

“It was not a lie. I do have Roma blood.”

“But -”

“Not all gypsies live in caravans, Napoleon. Many of us live in cities or on farms, and are well-educated and honest.”

“This isn't in your file.”

“It was left out on purpose. Mr. Waverly thought it best not to give the prejudiced an additional reason for which to … hate me.”

“Wise man. So how did you know Horth was Roma?”

“The braids on his vest. Only other gypsies would know it is a way to identify a fellow Roma.”

“A black turtleneck must be _your_ gypsy ID.”

“If it is, then you are family – at least for a few days.”


	4. The Shark Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The agents are reunited after Napoleon's punishment.

“Welcome to the brig, Napoleon. How is your back? I will tend to it. With what I am not sure.”

“Thanks, Illya. As for my back, the esteemed captain had the ship's doctor clean it and apply some sort of ointment. The promise of pain relief has yet to be fulfilled.”

“Sit, Napoleon. You will be more comfortable.”

“No, I think I'll stand for now. How are you? Those brutes gave you quite the punch.”

“Punches, really. They were careful to hit me where bruises will not show. My discomfort comes primarily from an empty belly.”

“Of course it does.”


	5. The Deadly Games Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conversation before the stamp auction.

“Well, well, Illya. You finally have a tuxedo that fits. Del did a fine job with the alterations.”

“Yes, he did. I particularly like the addition of my latest invention.”

“And that would be …?”

“A button that doubles as a tracking device. Doohan and I are field-testing it.”

“Ah, ever the tinkerer. When will you develop bullet-proof suits, my friend? That would be most welcome.”

“And most difficult. Oh, look, a _Pholcus phalangioides_ * on your shoulder.”

“A _what_?”

“A harmless spider, Napoleon.”

“I don't care much for spiders.”

Illya brushed the arachnid away. “Understandable, considering some spiders are quite deadly.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Scientific name for daddy long-legs or vibrating spider.


	6. The Green Opal Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Napoleon has finished the prep for his assignment and Illya captures a memory, so to speak.

“Illya, what did you just do?”

“You know very well what I did. I took your picture, Mr. Applegate. I am thinking this could be useful in certain circumstances.”

“Are you threatening to shake me down, _partner_?”

“If by 'shake down' you mean blackmail, then yes, Napoleon. Payment is a multi-course dinner at the Russian Café.”

“You can wipe that smug grin off your face. I won't be blackmailed. No one here cares.”

“Oh, I will not be showing it to anyone within U.N.C.L.E.”

“You wouldn't dare ...”

“I think Angelique will find your new look quite … provocative.”

“Dinner it is then.”


	7. The Guioco Piano Affair

After the agents were assured that Gervaise Ravel was secured, they left to join Marion outside the small jail.

“You know that catwoman has claws. Very sharp and long ones, I suspect. She will use them to make you both pay for tricking her and killing the man she loved. Just you wait and see.”

“Illya and I appreciate your concern, but Gervaise will be behind bars for a very long time. I doubt her claws will reach very far.”

Illya tossed his partner a look that said Marion's warning was a fair one.

They added her to a growing list of people wanting revenge against them.


	8. The Double Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why didn't Illya say or do anything when he seemed to suspect something on the airplane?

_Something's off._

Napoleon had taken the window seat. He barely glanced at the beautiful stewardess, much less flirted with her.

Yes, something was not quite right with Napoleon.

As he began to dissect his observations, a headache sprouted accompanied by nausea. The more he tried to define the differences, the greater the headache, the deeper the nausea.

Excusing himself, he rushed to the nearest lavatory, where he emptied both his stomach and his brain of all notions that something was amiss.

oOo

The double smiled. The new gas and the instructions delivered while Kuryakin had slept on the night of the switch appeared to be working perfectly.


	9. The Project Strigas Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why is Linkwood so frightened when delivering the fake formula and evidence to Kurasov?

“Mr. Solo and I have business elsewhere, Mr. Linkwood. Mr. Kuryakin will remain here. He has asked that he coach you through the part you will play.”

“ _What?!_ You aren't going to leave me alone with _him_?”

“Oh, not to worry,” said Napoleon. “He's been warned not to harm anyone who cooperates. He's only slipped up a few times this month. Unlike last month, eh, Illya?”

Kuryakin cracked his knuckles again, nailing Linkwood with a malicious stare.

Waverly and Solo left to the sound of nervous cheeps. When the door swished closed behind them, Waverly smiled and said, “Wickedly good play. Hats off to you both.”


	10. The Finny Foot Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The partners have a brief discussion after Waverly leaves the conference room.

“I do not like that order, Napoleon.”

“It's not mine, Illya. If you have a problem with it, take it up with Waverly.

“That would be futile. You heard his tone. That order is as unbreakable as … winter ice in Siberia.”

“A perceptive one you are, old friend. Did you have lunch yet?”

“They fed me in Medical to appease me. It was not successful.”

Napoleon lifted the empty sleeve of Illya's jacket and peered into it. “Hmm. I thought this might be where you hid your hollow leg.”

Illya rolled his eyes. “You have enough time to treat me to a second lunch.”

“Does that new Indian restaurant nearby strike your fancy?”

“Anything that is not _fish_ is acceptable.”

“You read my mind.”


	11. The Neptune Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two entries. What is Illya thinking during that first scene? Can Napoleon calm his distraught partner?

Drabble #1 - Illya

Kuryakin stared at nothing while contemplating the consequences of the destroyed wheat fields.

His recall to the Soviet Navy and the KGB. Back to being a puppet to both, but much more disturbing, back to assassinating those whose crimes certainly did not warrant their deaths, or even imprisonment.

Starvation of thousands of people. Back to hunger because he'd give his rations to children; they wouldn't suffer empty bellies as he did.

War for reasons yet undiscovered. Back to destruction and the senseless deaths of innocents wanting only peaceful, fulfilling lives.

He must convince his comrades to give U.N.C.L.E. more time. But how?

Dribble #2 - Napoleon

His partner's agitation and weariness worried him more than having three days to find the culprits. “Illya, are you all right?”

“How can I be, Napoleon? Our peoples are deeply mistrustful of each other. They are losing patience quickly.” Illya rubbed his forehead in frustration again.

Napoleon knew how important this mission was on a global scale. Now it had a personal component. Illya's Russian soul was aching for his countrymen and because of that, so was his.

“Illya, we helped stop the Cuban Missile Crisis, we can stop this. The premier has faith in you. And you have my word the fungus will not reach Orbesk.”

Illya's trusting gaze reminded Napoleon that people on opposite sides could become fast friends, even brothers.


	12. The Dove Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why Illya wasn't on this mission...

“So how is _this_ recuperation going, _tovarishch_?”

“I am fine, except for the embarrassment of being waylaid by a four-inch-long, infected vestigial organ.”

“Appendicitis happens to the best of us. I missed you on this last mission.”

“Naturally. I am an asset to any mission.”

“Humble pie is apparently off the menu, I see.”

Illya snorted. “Successful?”

“Somehow I muddled through without you. Satine, my contact, was formidable, with a hidden agenda. We both … won.”

“This Satine is not an enemy then?”

“No. In fact, we worked very well together. I'm thinking U.N.C.L.E. should recruit him. He'd be an excellent partner – especially since he lacks an inflated ego.”

Napoleon chuckled at the eye roll.


	13. The King of Knaves Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How did the team get to the castle so quickly to rescue Napoleon?

“How did you and the team find me so quickly?”

“When you did not show for our breakfast meeting, I suspected you had been taken. While you and Gemma danced, I observed two of the rogues receiving special attention by the _maître d'_ , whom Gemma later identified as el Pasad. From there it was a matter of searching through records to find his real estate acquisition. We were almost to the castle when Miss Pepper's message reached us.”

“Smart Russian. Since we made up for our earlier bungling, maybe Mr. Waverly will grant us a few days' vacation in _bella Roma_. Oh, by the way, since when did you start calling Miss Lusso by her first name?”

Illya shot Napoleon a puckish smile. “We _did_ need to maintain our cover.”

Napoleon sighed. “ _That_ explains why she snubbed me.”


	14. The Terbuf Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A musician's heart and soul are healed.

“Our plane leaves in about an hour, Illya. We won't find the gypsies in time.”

“Patience, my friend. We will make our flight; I guarantee it.”

Five minutes later, Illya found the same tribe that had corralled them for Clara Valdar. In their own language, so they would trust him, not cheat him, Illya described in detail what he wanted and where it was to be delivered. Once he paid, he was satisfied _his_ mission was accomplished.

oOo

Maria, Café Flora's barmaid, was mystified by the large package she received. Opening it, she laughed with delight at the exquisitely decorated _bandura_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bandura (AKA kobza) is a lute-like Ukrainian stringed instrument. If you want to know more, Wikipedia has a nice article about it.


	15. The Deadly Decoy Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened on the train after Napoleon, Stryker, and Fran left?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble this time.

As soon as the two THRUSHmen were down, Illya began trying to calm the hysterical passengers who hadn't succumbed to the sleeping gas. He didn't get far when his right flank was bludgeoned with a cosmetic case. As he went down, he looked over his shoulder – the THRUSHwoman.

He'd forgotten all about her.

_Inexcusable_ , he thought as he thwarted another blow, this one aimed at his head, with his right arm. He dropped the gun but went after it with his functioning hand, thumbed the switch to sleep darts. She threw the case at his head but he ducked in time.

He twisted in the tight aisle to better position himself to shoot. “Your behavior is most unladylike and will not be tolerated.” He brought the gun around and fired.

And missed. She had chosen the split second before to land a sharp dig to his thigh with her pointed-toe shoe. Now off-balance, she grabbed Illya's hair in a vain attempt to stay upright.

He oomphed at the yank as she fell on him. Quickly he realized he couldn't miss now; the gun muzzle was against her neck.

He decided to conveniently forget to include this incident in his report.


	16. The Fiddlesticks Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Illya has questions about the term "fiddlesticks."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drabble and a half.

“Susan says 'fiddlesticks' frequently, Napoleon. I know a violin is sometimes called a fiddle; ergo, a fiddlestick is a bow. I gather from her usage that it is a term of dismissal or disbelief. Is she a musician? Does this usage have special meaning for violinists in your country?”

Napoleon suppressed a grin. “Ah, no to both. But you're right about the meaning.”

“Perhaps I'll try it on a THRUSH.”

“I'm not sure that's a good idea.”

Illya decided he'd experiment the first chance he got.

_the first chance..._

“Hand over the microdot, runt,” demanded the THRUSH aiming a gun at Illya's head.

“Oh, fiddlesticks,” he groused.

The baffled THRUSH's mouth gaped open.

Immediately Illya knocked the weapon from the enemy's hand and disabled him with a foot-slam to the knee.

He hurried to HQ, anxious to deliver the microdot and tell Napoleon it was a good idea after all.


	17. The Yellow Scarf Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened to the green lion rampart ring?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A dribble of 132 words

“Napoleon! What brings you to my lab?”

“Thought I'd check in before leaving for India. And give you some … news. Duncan MacAlister is missing, presumed dead.”

Illya removed his glasses and bowed his head. “He was a good friend. One of the few who truly embraced U.N.C.L.E.'s international cooperation.” He looked up at Napoleon.

Solo heard the unspoken words about the prejudice against Illya that continued even now, though to a lesser extent, and read the expression of brotherhood directed at him. “I promise you, partner, Mac'll have justice.”

“Good hunting.”

oOo

Napoleon dropped the green lion rampart ring into Illya's outstretched hand. “Thought you'd like to return this to Mac's family.”

Illya's eyes warmed with gratitude. Who else but Napoleon would give him such a meaningful task to help ease his grief?


	18. The Mad, Mad Tea Party Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hemingway wonders why Illya was still leery of him after Waverly vouched for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100 words, believe it or not.

“Where is Mr. Kuryakin?”

“He's rounding up the suspects. Why do you ask?”

“He seems like a nice lad, quite competent no doubt, but trust does not appear to come easy for him. I thought he would have believed my brother-in-law once he vouched for me. That makes me question whether he trusts Alexander. Surely he must.”

Napoleon smiled his understanding. “Mr. Kuryakin _is_ slow to trust. I dare say it's kept him alive for many years. And that hesitancy is valuable in our line of work.”

“I assume he trusts you?”

“We trust each other unreservedly. With our lives.”


	19. The Secret Sceptre Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You have something that belongs to me."

“How dare you presume to think of me as some _thing_ that belongs to you,” said Illya with tenuously-controlled anger.

“Zia told you.”

“She asked what you meant. Napoleon, I am not a thing nor do I belong to you. Neither am I some _one_ you can possess.”

“I agree. May I explain?”

A razor-sharp nod gave Illya's consent.

“I've been paired with any number of agents, but I've never had a partnership until you. That's what I was referring to. _That_ is a part of me.”

Several breaths later, Illya nodded, this time with understanding. _Truthfully you do own a part of me, Napoleon – my loyalty_.


	20. The Bow-Wow Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Napoleon gets an unexpected invitation to tea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double drabble + 11

“Oh, my!” Mrs. Willard said with delight when the florist gave her the potted orchids. “These must be from that nice young foreigner.” When she found the top of a flask protruding from the dirt, she smiled broadly.

After taking a less-than-dainty sip, she read the card:

_I have a friend who has both world and time. He awaits your call._

...Several days later...

Napoleon answered his outside phone line with a semi-seductive, “Hello.”

“Mr. Napoleon Solo?”

“Yes?” he replied cautiously.

“My name is Mrs. Clotilda Willard. Mr. Kuryakin said you wanted me to call you.”

“Oh, he did?”

“Yes. It would be lovely if you could join me for tea. He indicated you had the time.”

“I'm sure he did.” They agreed to tea the next afternoon on the condition Illya would join them for proper introductions.

But this afternoon, he had an impromptu appointment with the trickster.

oOo

Napoleon pushed open the door to Illya's lab with his cane, ready for his counterplay. “Kuryakin,” he said in his command voice, “ _we're_ having tea and crumpets with Mrs. Willard tomorrow.”

Illya's lips curled subtly in amusement. “That is appealing, but I don't wish to intrude.”

“Come or you're a dead man.”

“Well, dying a little is preferable to dying a lot.”


	21. The Four-Steps Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What were Napoleon and Illya doing when they were the same age as Miki?

Each agent was lost in thought as they watched Miki's flight take off. When they could no longer see the plane, Napoleon sighed.

“If I didn't know better, I'd say reincarnation actually exists. Miki is quite mature and wise for his years.”

“Indeed,” agreed Illya. “He is a fast learner as well as brave.”

“When I was 10, I was busy with school and scrap metal drives and helping my grandmother bake cookies for the USO. You?”

The uncomfortable silence that followed made Napoleon regret asking the question.

Finally, Illya responded, “I was … surviving.”

“And I'm very grateful you did.”


	22. The See-Paris-And-Die Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when your helicopter pilot has a concussion?

It became painfully clear to Napoleon that something was seriously wrong with Illya: dazed look, slow or no verbalization, need for direction. But the job came first, Illya in top form or not.

With ease, Napoleon jumped onto the van's roof then swung himself into its cab. He smiled at the driver and said, “Going my way?” as he darted the man. He watched Illya perform a textbook landing some yards away.

Illya exited the 'copter and lurched a few feet before toppling to the ground.

Instantly alarmed, Napoleon was at his side in seconds. With great care, he moved his unconscious friend into a better position than face down in the grass. “More kitten than tiger, eh, pussycat,” he said with worried affection, brushing clean the pale face and hair.


	23. The Brain-Killer Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two drabbles: hangovers and grave walking

The three agents who had been subjected to Dabree's hypnotic commiserated as they downed aspirin for their substantial headaches.

“I tell you, guys, this is worse than any hangover I've ever had.” said Cartier.

“Not so bad,” opined the usually taciturn Jason. “A hit I took in a college football game was worse.”

“I, too, have had worse,” said Illya.

Cartier looked skeptical. “Do tell.”

“I had a hangover from scotch. Later that morning several THRUSH agents accosted me during a courier run. They took turns bouncing my head on a wall.”

“You win. What helped with the pain?”

“Vodka. In prodigious amounts.”

_Bonus Drabble!_

Ordinarily after a night of good food, fine wine, and dancing with a charming woman, Napoleon usually slept well.

Not tonight. He kept remembering that feeling of someone walking over his grave.

It was easy to explain why he had that feeling. There were always people wanting revenge on U.N.C.L.E. agents who stopped them.

But this was different, too close to real.

If he was in danger, then so was -

Instantly he picked up the phone, dialed, waited through two rings.

A sleepy “Kuryakin.”

“Illya, be extra careful. I think someone is coming after me, and probably you, too.”


	24. The Hong Kong Schilling Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Napoleon and a filthy, barefoot Illya - what could go wrong?

Illya yelped in pain. “Napoleon! You clumsy oaf! You stepped on my toes!”

Napoleon sneered at Illya, conveying his distaste for the tattered rickshaw driver's costume and bare feet. “Your 'dogs' are so filthy that I mistook them for the pavement.”

“My _dogs_?”

“It's slang for feet, my idiom-impaired friend.”

“Yet another _idiotic_ American defilement of the English language,” Illya groused as he unconsciously tightened his grip on Bernie Oren, who followed the conversation between the agents as if he were watching a tennis match. Illya growled, then barked, careful to hide his amusement.

“Down, boy. If the shoe fits ...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100 words!


	25. The Never-Never Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a little competition between Napoleon and Illya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Double-and-a-Half Drabble, so I guess more of a dribble?

The shooting range was packed with observers, there to see the contest between Solo and Kuryakin.

“You are aware that _when_ you miss, the fact that you bested my scores at Survival School will mean little, if anything. Are you sure you want to do this, Illya?”

“I most certainly do. It wasn't that difficult to shoot Gervais in your position.”

“I beg to differ, _mon ami_. Let's get to it, shall we?”

Illya set up the scene, including Napoleon being cuffed and tied to a chair.

Napoleon fired once, hitting the human silhouette right low center mass. Applause filtered in from the gallery. “No one will think less of you if you concede now.”

Illya raised an eyebrow, but otherwise seemed unimpressed.

They traded positions. Napoleon whispered in Illya's ear as he made sure the rope was tight, “Not too late to back out, _tovarishch_.”

“You should know by now, my 'smart' American, I never back away from a challenge.”

Illya fired three rounds in rapid succession. The silhouette had a hole in each cheek and one in the middle of the forehead.

The observers went wild and their bets were quickly settled.

Napoleon's mouth dropped open.

Illya's lips curved up, smug written all over them. “Your previous and our current employers don't require such an ability. However, my previous employer did.”

“Did your previous employer teach you how to get out of this?” He tugged at the rope. He turned away, smirked, and left the range, but not before he heard a slightly desperate and very irritated ...

“ _Napoleon!_ ”


	26. The Love Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Napoleon's thoughts after the grenade exploded and seeing Illya in the airport, plus a conversation on the trip to HQ.

Napoleon imagined seeing his partner's body in a thousand different pieces, wondered if there would be enough to put in a casket.

 _Deal with that later. Just keep playing the game. And win it, so Illya didn't die for nothing_.

oOo

Shock, followed quickly by joy. _He's alive!_ Suddenly, the dark pall that had been suffocating his spirit lifted. He felt lighter than air.

oOo

“You know, I thought you were dead, partner mine.”

“I would've been had I not regained consciousness and got out before the automobile exploded.”

“How many of your nine lives have you used so far?”

“Napoleon, please stop comparing me to felines.”

“Anything you say, Fluffy.”


	27. The Gazebo in the Maze Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do two wrongs make forgetting all right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble + 1

Illya awoke to ferocious neck pain and a mind-numbing headache. Once his head cleared, he found himself with wrists and ankles in chains on a small jet.

“Ah, Mr. Kuryakin! So good of you to join me,” said the man sitting opposite him. “Please, forgive my delay in introducing myself. I am Emory Partridge, squire of Eastsnout. In case you haven't figured it out, that is our destination.”

  _You incompetent fool_ , he castigated himself. _How did it_ _ **not**_ _occur to you that an English bus in Manhattan could've been a trap? Napoleon will never let me live this down_.

 -oOo-

 Napoleon turned to Illya as they waited to board their Pan Am flight in Heathrow. “You know, _tovarishch_ , I'm putting a discussion of being wary of the _unusual_ , such as double-decker buses on New York City streets, on the next Section II meeting agenda. You would share your valuable perspective.”

 One of Illya's eyebrows twitched fractionally. “Of course, Napoleon. I'm also willing to review the importance of keeping one's superiors up to date, especially when doing so saves time and money.”

 “Ah, much appreciated, IK, but now that I think about it, I don't believe the agenda has room for either item.”


	28. The Girls of Nazarone Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Illya is getting very frustrated with Napoleon's comparisons.

“The beds are clear, Napoleon.” Illya began changing into his pajamas.

“Then we can look forward to no unwanted acupuncture during our beauty sleep.”

“Yes, you do need as much of that as possible.”

Napoleon peered down his nose at his partner. “Careful, my cheeky Russian. I may just reprimand you for insubordination.”

“And I may accidentally let one of your skeletons slip out of its closet.”

“Me _ow_. Kittycat has claws.”

Illya climbed into bed. “Good night, Napoleon. And since you seem to think I'm more cat than human, a word of caution: _Huànxǐng bùshì chénshuì de shīzi_.

“My ... Chinese is a little rusty ...”

“'Wake not the sleeping lion.'”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 109 words. Chinese proverb courtesy of someone who probably lived a long time ago. Translation courtesy of Google Translate.


	29. The Odd Man Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Illya finally gets to see for himself how Napoleon is doing after he was shot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 146 words. And a bonus drabble is included.

Kuryakin, perturbed at the inordinate amount of time he spent to close out the affair, strode into London HQ, hellbent on finding his partner to see for himself that Napoleon was all right. He headed straight for the agents' dormitory. He entered without knocking to find the American on a sofa, feet up on a table, romancing an attentive, beautiful female.

“Hello, Sarah,” he said. “It's good to see you again.”

“Hello, Illya,” she replied, not breaking eye contact with Solo.

“I see I needn't have worried, Napoleon.”

“Perceptive Russian. And you know, three's a crowd, and that makes you the odd man … _out_.”

Illya shrugged. “Don't forget to take your medicine, Napoleon. You _do_ want to keep your madness under control, don't you?”

Sarah was up and at Illya's side in two seconds. “Let's catch up, shall we?”

Illya quirked a smile. “Yes, let's.”

“ _Illya!_ ”

_ Bonus Drabble! _

** You Really Eat That? **

Napoleon let himself into Illya's apartment. He smelled coffee and something … unique. In the kitchen he discovered several crumpets smeared with a brown paste. As he got closer, the coffee aroma was rudely overcome by notes of flowers, chicken, leather, and “Mr. Waverly?”

“What about Mr. Waverly?” Illya asked, joining him.

“Ah, this stuff smells like the Old Man.”

Illya chuckled. “I suppose it does. Help yourself.”

“What is it?”

“Marmite. It's concentrated brewer's yeast.”

Napoleon took a bite and immediately spit it out in the sink. “You actually _eat_ this stuff?”

“Of course! It's delicious.”

“I'd rather eat _ter_ mites.”


End file.
